Enabling someone doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior. You might simply try to help your loved one out because you’re worried about them or afraid their actions might hurt them, you, or other family members. Therapists often work with people who find themselves enabling loved ones to help them address these patterns and offer support in more helpful and positive ways. Confronting your loved one can help them realize you don’t support the behavior while also letting them know you’re willing to help them work toward change. Minimizing the issue implies to your loved one that they can continue to treat you similarly with no consequences. People dealing with addiction or other patterns of problematic behavior often say or do hurtful or abusive things.
- Many enablers will not verbally acknowledge that their loved one has a substance abuse problem.
- Many of us (myself included) think we are helping when we’re actually enabling.
- For example, in a relationship, you might see them doing chores, completing important work, and running errands without asking for support.
- Enabling behaviors can often seem like helping behaviors.
Types of Enablers
This is particularly the case if the funds you’re providing are supporting potentially harmful behaviors an enabler is someone who like substance use or gambling. Sometimes it may mean lending a financial hand to those you love. However, if you find yourself constantly covering their deficit, you might be engaging in enabling behaviors. The first step in trying to support someone without enabling them is to acknowledge the things you have done that might have allowed the other person to continue their destructive behaviors. An overprotective parent may become an enabler when they allow their child, even an adult child, to neglect responsibilities or continue doing things that are harmful to them. In the compliance stage, the enabler tries to comply or accommodate the other person’s destructive behaviors.
Covering Up or Making Excuses
You need to be in a healthy place to properly support a person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. Many addicts deny they have a problem with drugs or alcohol. It’s common for enablers to also deny that someone they care about has a problem until things get too bad or they’ve finally had enough.
They say they haven’t been drinking, but you find a receipt in the bathroom trash for a liquor store one night. The next night you find a receipt for a bar in your neighborhood. Instead of asking them about the receipts, you decide not to press the issue.
You Deny Their Behaviors
For example, they may ask to borrow money and lie about what they intend to use it for. Enablers are individuals who may, knowingly or unknowingly, help a person continue their substance abuse behaviors. While an enabler may think that they are acting in the best interest of their loved one, this can often create a mutually destructive relationship dynamic that furthers the cycle of addiction.
- Or you may call your child’s school with an excuse when they haven’t completed a term project or studied for an important exam.
- It can also show your loved one that he or she has something to live for, and that the addiction affects more than just the individual.
- Temporary support can help them make it through a difficult time and empower them to seek help.
- If you don’t want to bother or confront an addicted person, you may be enabling them.
- Someone struggling with depression may have a hard time getting out of bed each day.
Find Treatment
And yet it’s common to go overboard with what we learn about what it means to be kind, good, helpful, or supportive. We may get into a habit of being too helpful, too focused on others’ well-being, too compulsively problem-solving or “good.” Many of us (myself included) think we are helping when we’re actually enabling. Enabling, though it might sound good, means that the things we are doing or saying to someone are backfiring. We are unwittingly “enabling” our loved one to stay stuck, to dig in their heels even more. I hope this blog helps you understand what is an enabler personality and how to stop being an enabler.
There are rehab and detox programs for them when they’re ready to change. An intervention can be a good way to help them understand their problems. You may also consider talking with your friends and family, so you don’t have to do it alone. When they ask, you give them money without asking how they’ll use it.
They might insult you, belittle you, break or steal your belongings, or physically harm you. It’s tempting to make excuses for your loved one to other family members or friends when you worry other people will judge them harshly or negatively. Even if you personally disagree with a loved one’s behavior, you might ignore it for any number of reasons. This is opposed to providing means and opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors. When you empower someone, you’re giving them the tools they need to overcome or move beyond the challenges they face. For example, giving them information about mental health professionals in the area that might help.
Setting boundaries is important in showing someone what you will and will not tolerate, holding them accountable, and avoiding the encouragement of destructive behaviors. For example, a parent who has been covering for their adult child’s substance use may suddenly face the reality when the child gets arrested or loses their job. This stage is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, and it prevents both the enabler and the other person from addressing the issue. Protecting enabling involves shielding the other person from the consequences of their actions. This might look like covering up their behaviors or lying to protect them. For example, a narcissistic enabler might protect a narcissist from facing the consequences of their actions.
Sustained Recovery
It’s easier to understand what an enabler is than to recognize the signs of enabling bad behavior. But identifying the latter is necessary to stop doing it and to help a person overcome their problem. The basic meaning of an enabler is an individual who empowers or provides support to another person so they can continue with harmful activities such as drug or alcohol use. The enabler may be trying to protect the person with the substance use disorder, but what they’re really doing is maintaining an unhealthy status quo. Full of good intentions, they help someone with a substance use disorder (SUD) in various ways. They are the ones who call the office and say that their spouse has a 24-hour virus when in reality, they’re still sleeping off a bender.
This can also include larger obligations, like caring for a sick relative. You may also justify their behavior to others or yourself by acknowledging they’ve gone through a difficult time or live with specific challenges. Receive weekly insights to help you and your loved ones on your road to recovery. A passive enabler is someone who is unaware or indirectly enables another person.
You may need family therapy or other programs to break the cycle of codependence with your loved one. An addiction specialist can help you turn well-meant actions into those that will actually help someone beat an addiction. You can get the information and education you need to initiate real, lasting change. Get your loved one into recovery with assistance from Intervention Helpline. Acting as an enabler rarely stems from malicious intent—often, it begins with a sincere desire to “help.” However, enabling can inadvertently exacerbate the very behaviors you’re hoping to fix. By confronting issues, setting firm boundaries, and encouraging professional assistance, you can empower your loved ones to face responsibility, grow, and change.
Tell your loved one that you are there to help in a positive way, but you will not be covering up for them anymore. If they want your help, they will need to be open and honest about their addiction with themself and others. Recognize when this happens and make self-care a priority so you can be there to continue providing support as needed. After an enabler stops denying there is a problem, they may choose to avoid addressing it because they hope or think it will go away on its own. Ignoring it is much easier than confronting the issue and causing any conflicts.